You don't drown by falling in the water. You drown by staying there. - Edwin Louis Cole
Not to have control over the senses is like sailing in a rudderless ship, bound to break to pieces on coming in contact with the very first rock. - Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi
Rule your mind or it will rule you. - Horace
For the past few months, the thing that I do for 8 hours of my daily life (also known as my "job") has had me down. I am very dissatisfied with work and it is at a point where I dread weekday mornings and occasionally find myself crying because I can't tolerate it. I know crying doesn't solve anything and I'm not usually a crier but when the tears come, it's hard to stop the waterworks. My job is my "stressor". And when I find myself feeling like this, I eat. Actually, the word "eat" doesn't even begin to describe what I do. I gorge myself. I inhale mass quantities of sugary, salty or fatty foods. Lately, I find myself having a penchant for sweets - cupcakes, ice cream, candy. I've mentioned before that I am a stress eater. I try to avoid doing it but when I am stressed or upset, I give in and eat everything that I know I shouldn't. My brain tells me not to eat the nachos or pizza or greasy burger and to put down the soda - but I do it anyway. It's like any other addiction - it satisfies for the moment and then it leaves one feeling empty and disillusioned once the effects have worn off. I don't like that I am doing this and I especially don't like that I am doing it because of something that I deem as negative to begin with (the job). And I am certainly smart enough to know that I shouldn't sacrifice my health and well-being for a less than satisfactory job but yet, here I sit writing this while I eat a candy bar and wash it down with soda after a dinner of fried chicken tenders and fries.
A very close friend of mine pointed out that there is a lot that is right in my life and she is absolutely right. There are a LOT of wonderful things in my life and I am beyond grateful for them. I do try very hard to focus on the good and most of the time, those thoughts carry me through the hard times. But when more than half of my waking life every weekday is spent doing something I don't like, it is hard to think of anything else. So how do I solve this problem? I'm not sure. I try to contend with my binges by taking extra walks to compensate for the extra food or to get out of the house so I can keep away from the junk food but I know that this is no way to deal with the problem long-term. I do need to figure out how to end this pattern. Eating poorly wreaks havoc on my energy levels which in turn makes me inactive. It's not just an observation or theory on my part. There are plenty of books out there that document how eating junk food causes hormone disruption and insulin resistance. So I'm not imagining what my body is feeling or that I get sluggish and don't want to move. You eat garbage; you feel like garbage. And when you feel that way, it's hard to get motivated to do things - even those things that you love. Running is one of my loves but right now, it feels like a significant other that I am having problems connecting with. And that bothers me. I don't want to lose one of the loves of my life because I am having problems controlling my stress eating. I know that channeling my frustrations in a more positive way is the only thing that is going to help me. Forcing myself to get off of the sofa and out the door is one of the few ways I can think of to make me feel better. And I am trying, I really am trying. And I will keep on trying. I kinda have to but something has gotta give.