Donut

When you consider yourself valuable you will take care of yourself in all ways that are necessary. - M. Scott Peck

Revere the body and care for it, for it is a temple. - Swami Muktananda

I have been fortunate enough (for the most part) to have people in my life who have been encouraging and have given me the foundation I need to have good self-esteem.  Normally, I feel pretty comfortable in my own skin regardless of whether I am a size 10 or a size 26.  I have never allowed my size or weight to define who I am or what I can do.  Despite that confidence, there is one part of my body that I really detest, loathe and consider to be my nemesis - my "donut".  The area below my belly button and above my hips is what I consider to be my donut.  The skin there is loose and squishy and no matter how hard I have tried to eliminate it, it will not return to it's pre-donut state.  Yeah, there is still some fat there but it's mostly just an eye sore for me.  I am by no means a skinny girl but I am fairly content with my body overall - minus the donut.  If I could magically make it disappear by using a special cream, potion or pill, I would do it without hesitation.  There are a couple reasons that I call this area my donut.  The first reason is because I'm sure that eating donuts (although I didn't eat them regularly) contributed to my enormous weight gain several years ago and secondly, because it looks like big donut around my lower belly.  I chatted with a friend about cosmetic surgery earlier this week and I mentioned that while I have never been a big enthusiast, I have been considering it to rid myself of this thing.  Removing the donut would help me in terms of my ability to be more active (because the donut does bounce significantly when I run and it can be very uncomfortable.  I know, not a pretty visual). And, well, it would just make me look better although that is not my primary reason for considering the procedure.  Of course, I would be lying if I said that I haven't envisioned myself without the donut wearing more clingy clothing or, dare I say it, a bikini again. 

Now, I have tried many times to come to terms with the donut.  I have tried to convince myself that it is something of a battle scar from the years when I abused my body by eating things that were bad for me and allowed myself to become sedentary.  On the other hand, removing it would give me a new lease on my active life.  Once the procedure is done, I won't stop working out and eating healthy.  I am at an age where I now comprehend that in order to ensure my quality of life down the road, staying on a healthful path is necessary.  It's now or never and that resonates loud and clear for me.  Unfortunately, running mile after mile will not make the bane of my existence go away.  If training for a marathon didn't shrink it into oblivion, then it's not likely to go away no matter how much exercise I do.  And that realization frustrates me.  I do plan on losing some more weight before I have it done (because I WILL have it done) and there will be a scar where the donut once was.  I'm not sure what my feelings about the surgical scar will be when I finally get the procedure done.  I like to think that I will look at the scar as a reminder of how I should NOT treat my body for the second half of my life.  I have a lot of living left to do and I want to be the best "me" I can possibly be while living it.  And that means.....saying goodbye and good riddance to the donut.  And, of course, no more stops at Krispy Kreme.  

Happy Trails!

Valeka  

Dress

You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. - Buddha


It's been rather hectic lately and, unfortunately, hectic in my world means little to no time for exercise.  Don't get me wrong, I have been doing a little exercise here and there but nothing that is going to make me a size 10 again.  I have had the pleasure of hitting Town Lake a couple of times over the last few weeks with a new but awesome friend and we have had some wonderful talks.  Our hour walk flies right by!  I have missed my Monday post-work runs with my other friend Jen but I hope we can resume those soon (those runs really make me test my limits in this heat!).  I have been taking my big puppy for more walks although they have been short ones because the weather is so incredibly hot and I don't want her to overheat. Luckily there is a greenbelt trail behind my home that is fairly shaded so we are able to do some nice little walks during the day.

One of the things that has taken a lot of my time lately is finding a dress for a special event I'm attending.  I want to look beautiful and have had an image in my mind of exactly what I would like to wear but couldn't find just the right dress on any of my outings.  And, of course, I am carrying extra weight that makes the shopping even more challenging.  Things fit in one area of my body but not another.  Or the style was awesome and fit me well but the color was not flattering on me.  Or one size was too small, my size was out of stock and the next size up was just too large.  I felt like giving up and rocking a mu-mu with some heels instead.  I did manage to find what I like to call an "emergency dress" that I could wear in case I wasn't able to find something else.  Ladies, you know what I'm talking about - the little black dress that you can wear for every occasion but it doesn't quite knock your socks off (although there ARE some little black dresses that DO look amazing, the one that I bought was okay).  I convinced myself that I could dazzle it up with some great accessories and that I would look all right although just looking "all right" was so far removed from what I initially hoped for.  I chastised myself for not being more consistent with workouts and healthy eating and skipping breakfast.  "This is what you get", I thought to myself as I returned the last rejected dress to the fitting room attendant.  

I took a break from the shopping nightmare to get my hair cut and styled which did help to give my esteem a much needed boost.  I felt pretty even if it was only from the neck up for the time being.  Feeling revitalized, I decided that I would give the dress search one last try.  I walked into the final store expecting another let down but there it was - a tastefully sexy dress that fit me beautifully and gave me that oomph I needed.  I had to make sure there was nothing wrong with the dress because it would have broken my heart to find THE ONE only to see that it had a broken zipper or a tear or snag.  I paid for it and left feeling immense relief.  I started thinking that this shopping fiasco was all because I wasn't taking proper care of myself and that if I had just continued on my path and not deviated, things would be fine and I wouldn't have had to go to a bazillion different places to find a dress.  And then I stopped myself.  I was beating myself up for falling off the wagon.  True, I should have been more careful and stayed on track but the negative thoughts were not going to make me feel better and they certainly weren't going to motivate me.  Months ago I made a promise to be kinder to myself and banishing those thoughts goes hand in hand with that.  While I did have to spend Friday evening and the better part of my Saturday searching for a dress, I did find one.  And I love it.  I got to see myself looking pretty freakin' awesome (if I do say so myself) and I want that to be one factor that motivates me.  Sure being healthy and fit are my true motivations but, quite frankly, I just want to look good and there is nothing wrong with that.  Use what you have to to keep yourself motivated.  And never forget that you are beautiful even if it takes you a while to see it. 

Happy Trails,
Valeka